Don't Be A Weed, Be A Flower!

 

Well, hello there. I haven't blogged since June 20th, 2024 so it's been about 7 months. Happy New Year!

Today I think I'll just type about random thoughts and things that go through my head. If you've experienced trauma, you know the thoughts I'm talking about. The thoughts in your head that you have to fight off daily. The thoughts that remind you of your past/trauma, the mistakes you have made, strained relationships and the negative feelings about yourself. Match that up with strong faith, a belief in a God that is always with me, bearing my burdens with me. These two things play ping pong in my head everyday. 

It's a mindf*cK to have such a strong faith and also experience dark, disturbing thoughts. Why can't I shake that? I feel guilty. Sexual trauma or any sort of trauma seems to redirect your cognitive beliefs and thoughts. It changes you, wires you differently. Hold on to your faith. 

My therapist and I have discussed grooming and how the perpetrator does that to get what they want. Most obvious grooming techniques are gift buying, playing games, learning about the child and developing a strong bond and trust. Once that is established, the abuse is easier to accomplish.  In some instances, that is true. In my situation, I've disgustingly learned that my body was conditioned and manipulated off and on the majority of my childhood. My body and it's responses were my grooming. I wasn't afraid of any of my perpetrators,  I was around them often, nothing seemed weird or abnormal, so who knew that it was abuse...until I did.

Shame loves silence. It grows in secret. I've released most of my shame through my therapy work over the years but it can often try to sneak up on you and take you down. Fight it!

I recently had repeated dreams about my mouth being filled with a substance that I couldn't remove, impairing my speech and choking me. I've had this dream in the past too. Staying silent can choke you to death. Apparently, I still have a few things to speak of or get out. I've learned that it's dangerous to stay silent. Speak up and out!

Once I realized that I was being sexually abused (age 12), I became confused, passive, submissive, unassertive, and unopinionated. I shut down my feelings. Those responses have only just begun to diminish. Through therapy, faith and support of friends, I have become much stronger in sharing my opinion, voicing my feelings, and speaking up for myself. It's an unnatural phenomenon for me - lol. I've also learned that my opinion matters. My voice matters - it's not broken, it's not dumb, and people DO want to hear what I have to say. I had to learn to believe that myself. I hope you can believe that of yourself too.

Radical acceptance were two words I heard while I was inpatient in Florida. A patient yelled it out one day and I've been thinking about it ever since. There are so many things that I desire to be different. So many relationships that were damaged or ruptured through all of this (that were not my fault but affect me). Radical acceptance is a goal of mine. It's such a process...

Last but not least, I saw a saying a while back; "Don't be a weed, be a Flower". Trauma and abuse can certainly morph you in to a weed encompassing negativity, hate, sin, and bitterness. It's hard NOT to be a weed. Strive to be a flower - it's still going to be hard but hopefully you can learn to be beautiful, positive, loving, caring and compassionate. BE-A-FLOWER! Pick a pretty one and own it! 

Random thoughts blog - sorry, not sorry!

Much love,

Stacie ( a very bright colored zinnia)