Rated R Night

I did a thing. I did a thing on January 17th and I've been collecting, retrieving and picking up my dignity ever since. 

Back in the fall of 2022, I was talking to my Social Worker about this blog. I've kept BIG secrets my whole life and absolutely use this blog to write my feelings down, share them, and hopefully encourage someone else going through similar situations. Well, even in this blog, I feel like I can't disclose the whole truth- ever. First of all, the whole truth is disgusting and not something most people want to even read. With that said, my BIG secrets are like a poison to my body that I've tried to fight off for about 38 years. My SW presented an idea to me. She encouraged me to write a blog that was unfiltered. She knew I wouldn't want to publish it, but she wanted me to write it in a notebook and maybe bring it to Group therapy to be able to share it and speak my truth - UNFILTERED. 

I stewed about this idea for about 8 wks. In the middle of those 8 wks, I turned 50 years old. My husband and family secretly planned a surprise party for me. It was THE PERFECT PARTY, complete with a big birthday pyramid and everything awesome that makes parties special. Speaking of the word special. I felt immensely loved. Feeling that love gave me strength that I didn't know I needed. I made a mental decision in December. I've got to find the courage to finish this battle, to keep doing the hard things, and to find peace in my heart. Now, after I made this decision, the enemy reared his ugly head and presented me with several very hard things to get through. I shouldn't have been surprised. On the flip side, I was also blessed with a beautiful tropical family vacation, shared with great friends, that allowed us to relax, refuel, laugh, eat and enjoy an all inclusive getaway. 

This gets us to January 17th, 2023. Up until this point, I had only minimally shared details of my abuse with Group Therapy members. As a matter of fact (if you remember in a previous post), I got a lot of back lash and harsh comments from one of the group members about the little bit I did share. He has since left the group. Sharing details was not only a personal risk but it felt like a group risk - even though the current members are fully supportive. On January 17th I blogged, unfiltered, in a notebook at a library and wrote down everything that I really needed and wanted to say. Full truth. As I did this, I was sweating so profusely that I needed to change my shirt. My anxiety was riddled with shame but also filled with freedom to write what I NEEDED to write. Group Therapy was that night and I was determined to bring my notebook and to share what I had written. Blogging unfiltered meant that I wrote sexual abuse details, all and every detail. Blogging unfiltered meant naming my abusers. I not only named my abusers but I told either their relation to me or how I was acquainted to them... all 10 of them. Personally, I have always felt like the details needed to come out of me.  Up until January 17th, I had only really shared details with my therapists. It's always been the hardest thing to talk about. Keeping it "in" and protecting the secrets has proven to be very unhealthy for me. 

I did it. I read to the group what I had written down in my notebook. I named every abuser, how I knew them, spoke every detail and then I had an intense need to leave the room. So I did. 

I found myself face down, curled up in a ball in my SW's office. I couldn't move. I couldn't look at anyone. I couldn't speak. I stayed like this for a long time. My Social Worker took over, spoke to me, and spoke to the group members. Comfort and care were given and I eventually walked out of her office after everyone from group had left, feeling very tired, embarrassed and spent. 

I left my dignity on that floor that night and I have been rebuilding it and reclaiming it ever since. Sexual abuse is funny that way. I shouldn't even be the one embarrassed or ashamed. The abusers should...but I'm left with those intense feelings. 

It's been 12 days since I shared my unfiltered, raw, disgusting, real, rated R, notebook blog with my group. It's been an interesting 12 days to say the least. I am well aware that your life and responsibilities don't slow down just because you had an extremely rough night in therapy but you want them to. Life goes on and most people don't know what you are challenged with or what you go through. I've been reminded of God's love in so many ways but have also been challenged by the enemy still. I was reminded today in church that you have to trust Jesus enough to "step out of the boat" and really trust his journey for you. Be all-in. HE controls what HE changes. I can't explain why January 17th was the day that I decided to share so much but I do know that He orchestrated it and gave me the strength to do it. Ultimately and eventually I will be glad that I "stepped out of the boat" and took a risk to share my details. I'm just still picking up my dignity card and fighting off the shame. 

Thanks for reading,

Stacie