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Highs and lows, ups and downs, good moods and bad moods, uncertainty and peace, talkative and withdrawn, good dreams and bad dreams, faith reminders and abuse triggers, patience and impatience, trusting and not trusting, communicating and not communicating, true smiles to fake smiles, being truly present to pretending, believing and not believing, seeing an end to no end in sight. It's tiring. Everything listed above relates to some aspect of life. All people struggle with something. I struggle with sexual abuse.
I'm sitting here typing this in my comfortable house with my fur-babies nearby. I look outside at a beautiful yard just the way my husband and I want it to be. There are cows grazing and family estates surrounding me. Life is a pretty picture and I should be content but I'm fully aware that the devil is controlling me and winning right now. He attacks the vulnerable and broken. I've pretended that I'm not "broken" for a long time now. But the truth is, my perpetrators broke me. They stole my innocence and caused my brain to reprogram itself.
My faith is strong until I doubt my worthiness. I'm confident until I think of how weak I can be, I'm content with my progress until I'm knocked down by shame. I have a sense of pride until I dishonor myself. I feel Christ-like until I can't forgive the ones who hurt me.
What a rollercoaster!
Truth is - I don't see an end in sight. It's my reality and it's not fair.
It won't go away. I don't see how things can be resolved. It's controlling, it's around me, and I just have to figure out how to deal with it the best I can. I've learned to have power over part of it which is therapeutic for me but truly lonely as well. I apologize that this is a depressing blog entry. It lacks positivity and obvious hope. I have to keep it real.
I will never doubt my God, though. I'm becoming impatient, weak, and sad but I still speak to Him daily. Even when it's hard, I still trust Him.
There are so many victims/survivors out there who struggle with this. I've been shocked by the the personal responses that I've received through this blog. The healing process is never easy fixes, sunshine or rainbows. The struggle is hard, rough, strenuous, and long-term. Anger brews, feeling defeated is disheartening, and your faith is tested. You have to find it in yourself to be brave and strong. I will say this though, the brave and strong get tired too.
