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Have you ever been diagnosed with something, was prescribed medicine for it, and eventually felt better due to the medicine? Due to feeling good, you think that maybe you don't need the medicine anymore so you stop taking it...all the while thinking that your strength and willpower will carry you through? Yeah, me too.
I got so frustrated with having to take medicine for my depression that I decided to just stop taking it. I knew good and well, as a nurse, that this was a bad idea.
I did it anyway.
I didn't want my life defined as "requiring medicine to be happy" or relying on a drug to function to my full potential. It sucks.
I quit cold turkey a while back for about a month or so. This was a really bad idea. Deep sadness set in again. Feelings of despair ruled my day. Sleep was my escape. I teeter on requiring the meds for stability vs. deeply wanting to beat this war in my head. To beat the war in my head, I need to feel my emotions. To feel my emotions would be a great task for me no matter what, but being medicated with depression meds to control my emotions fought this. My head and my heart have a disconnect. It's so frustrating. I went back to pretending or isolating. Pretending I was happy, fine, content and ok but I was not any of these things. Abuse, trauma and depression affect everything. It affects the way you look at people, the way you respond to people, the way you communicate, your body language, confidence, self-image, intimacy, self worth, and on and on and on. You feel small, broken, weak, and defeated. Then the shame, guilt and embarrassment return. It's vicious.
Group therapy is a love/hate relationship. It takes every bit of strength I have to even share ugliness. When I don't have the strength to share during group, I leave frustrated and disappointed in myself for not sharing. When I do share, I wonder what the others are thinking but I know that sharing is a step in the right direction. Our therapist in charge is awesome. She's talented in her skills and finds a way to bring you in, challenge you, and make steps for growth (no matter how big or small). I'm thankful for her. I'm thankful for her non-judgmental attitude to our many issues/feelings/ and concerns. It's just so hard to let people in.
Today in my individual session, I talked to her about the day I was admitted to inpatient hospitalization. That was a terrible day filled with mental disconnect, pain, self sabotage and self harming. That day lives on the back of my eyelids. Every time I close my eyes, it's there. Every time one of my beautiful boys has an accomplishment, I think to myself ~ I could have missed this. Damn you depression, damn you abuse! It's powerful.
My meds are back in my system, working fine, and carrying me through the days. I understand and feel for people fighting private battles. It can be a lonely place ~ a place where others just can't understand or fathom. Even with all the support in the world, feeling alone can rule your feelings. When you are asked, "how are you," it's easier to falsely answer, "fine" just so you don't worry, bother or sadden the person asking.
Guilty!
I have a few specific people I turn to in low times for extra prayers (sorry if you are one of them- lol). I hope you have someone who is there for you no matter what. If you don't, reach out to someone you trust. Reach out to me! I'll pray like a warrior on the front lines with you. Even though you feel alone, we have to remember that we are not. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. Disgusting, yet the truth!
These words are my opinion, my thoughts and my feelings. This blog is not for everyone and again, I am not an English major. Other opinions exist. Other opinions matter. This is just my thoughts from my heart.
Fighting daily ~ God bless!
