We are ALL a little broken...

Monday - Inpatient Day 4 

New day, same routine...but I was getting very antsy. My perspective was that I was not detoxing like most of the others who needed to be here for several days to fully detox and have 24/7 medication care. I was here, getting the same med I was on when I got here, going through the motions, and just doing what I was told. You weren't required to go to groups or meetings that they conducted but it looked good on your chart when the medical team discussed your case and discharge options. I attended them all, tried to participate a little, and get through the day.  I knew I wasn't healed, needed continued care but felt like I was only going through the motions here. That was my perspective anyway. I asked if I could sign myself out since my 72 hours were up and was told that it was not possible for me to do that. I was told that since I was PEC'd, signing yourself out was not an option. That was only an option to people who checked their own selves in for treatment. I began to panic! How long will I be locked up in here? Luckily I was scheduled to meet with the Psychiatrist assigned to my case shortly after learning this. We discussed what brought on my admittance and my care so far. We discussed my desire for discharge, how I felt about the lack of progress I was making here, and I was quickly told that I was NOT going home today. The air left my lungs, my heart rate increased, I started sweating, and I felt trapped (because I was trapped). I wanted to go outside beyond a tall security fence, I wanted to see my boys, I wanted fresh fruit to eat- lol, and I wanted to go home. There needed to be a plan set in place for after discharge for me before discharge was even considered. I didn't have that yet. 

Lots of patients were discharged that day and lots of new patients were admitted. The vibe changed with each new admittance. We got yellers, we got someone who consistently pretended to throw something in the air in front of her, we had an older lady who talked and fussed at someone who wasn't there, we got non-compliant folks, we got really angry folks, we got someone who would go in other people's rooms and steal and wear your clothes. We had angry people who would punch walls and break their hands, patients who tried to start a relationship with other patients from in here, we had one that asked us to save toilet paper centers so she could roll her hair with them. We had patients who lost their teeth due to Meth addiction. It was a variety of people with a variety of problems and vices. Each person came with disappointment and hurt. I was not different. This array of people, including myself, represented life and were examples of equally loved children of God- even with all of their mess. I can't vouch for their faith but I know that if they were here on Earth, God created them in His image. I felt for them and prayed for them. It was always easier to pray for others. I had a hard time praying for myself. We all just got lost along the way. Each patient taught me something. Some things that were taught to me were profound, some were little nuggets of knowledge. We ALL rooted for each other, supported each other, and encouraged each other. 

The TV was on in the big room that day and The Office was playing on the TV. I love The Office and it helped to watch it. I was told by one of the patients that I looked like the character, Angela, from the show. Hhhmmmnn, I didn't know how to take that and shortly after that just headed to my room to shower. 

I showered that night and one of my roommates accidentally walked in on me showering. (Remember - no shower curtains or doors. You really shower at your own risk.) My reflex was to apologize to her. She replied, "Girl, I've been in jail. This is no big deal". Wow!! She then apologized to me for walking in on me and I just wanted to get myself dried off and dressed. Ugh. 

I went to bed feeling sad and defeated, unsure of my destiny. There was a female patient here that had been here for 2 weeks and no discharge in sight. Would that be me? I might lose my mind if that happens. I missed the most simple things in life and couldn't help but think of people who were serving long prison sentences. 

I prayed, "Please God, let tomorrow have answers and keep us safe through the night. I feel so hopeless right now. "