Dignity struggle...

I'm fighting for my dignity again. When one memory of abuse comes back up to the surface, all of them return (for me, anyways). Being a target to so many offenders, I have to wonder what in the world was I doing to ask for this? Deserve this? Invite this? It's just crazy how many times it has happened to me. 

I KNOW the answer to the above questions. I did NOTHING to ask, deserve or invite this! When you are knocked down though, your strength and tenacity waver and you become weak. You start questioning things yet again. Your defenses are down and you don't feel strong, brave, and powerful because it just doesn't make sense.  I've been hibernating in my house and staying very close to home for the past 3.5 weeks. Except for baseball games that no one really knows me at, I've remained close to home where I feel the most secure. 

I went to church today for the first time in 3 weeks. I love my church and I'm glad I went but it was hard. Making eye contact with people is a struggle because my self-esteem is challenged right now and the shame is trying to control me again. I was also told today, "Girl, you need to eat! You are skinny!" Here's the deal - I'm sensitive right now but if someone gains weight or loses weight, I can promise you that they know they have AND they know what they need to do to fix it . Just saying. (sorry, super sensitive)

If I could flip an off switch and turn off these feelings, I would have done that a long time ago. I wish it was that easy. I'm a people-person, I love social settings but the enemy is trying to steal my focus, identity, and confidence right now. 

I had a really nice day yesterday. We ate crawfish outside, listened to music, visited with my family, and I felt strong. 

Today - not the same story. My emotions are just all over the place. 

I know it sounds silly but the question that comes up in my head all of the time is WHY? WHY ME? and WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL OF THIS? 

For one thing, this blog is what I'm doing with this. I'm putting my story, thoughts and feelings in writing and I have to believe that God will make this right and use all of this ugly to help serve His kingdom and bring people closer to HIM. 

 

My favorite christian song right now is RECKLESS LOVE by Cory Asbury. Do yourself a favor and listen to it. It's awesome.

My favorite lyrics in the song ~ "There's no shadow you won't light up, mountain you won't climb up, coming after me. There's no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down, coming after me". 

This song has been on repeat in my ears for several days now. God is RECKLESS in His pursuit of me (and you). Shadows, mountains, walls and lies have controlled me forever.  He's made me victorious before and I believe He will do it again. 

Thanks for all of the love!