As I sit here to write this blog, I am well aware of the date. It's mid March, things are budding and blooming here in Louisiana for the upcoming Spring and Summer months. I LOVE this time of year. The drab winter of no color and cold slowly turn into lovely colors and warm springtime. Two years ago at this time, I was packing to go inpatient for Depression/PTSD treatment; packing to fly off to another state for treatment for 32 days. I mention this now because there's something about an anniversary date that affects your nerves, feelings, and mood. WHAT AN EXPERIENCE! I learned a ton, was traumatized some too, but gained traction again on my recovery-making some breakthroughs along the way.
It's a journey, y'all. The verse that jumped out on a page of my bible to me while in Florida for treatment was Psalm 30:11-12. I was on my twin bed on my first night at the facility. I was trying to find some grounding while reading my bible. There it was...
Psalm 30:11-12 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praise and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
At that moment I'm sure I sarcastically laughed a little. I was so far from inner Joy and I truly couldn't imagine finding it again. I was away from family, I was surrounded by strangers with serious mental illnesses, a rigorous schedule of therapy, and therapists that I didn't even know, much less trust. My commitment to myself was strong though. I felt like this stay was my last resort. I made a mental note to harbor Psalm 30:11-12 in my heart and hope and pray that it would come true.
Long story short, after 32 days of challenging treatment, I found my joy again (more detail about my experience while inpatient in earlier posts). After being off of social media for that time, my first post out of treatment was that verse. This was my truth.
I'm two years post-inpatient, and 12 years in to my therapy treatment and journey, but I was just able to speak of more sexual abuse details to my therapist this week. That's how it goes sometimes, I guess. You have to be ready to speak of certain things...in your timing. I still get anxious, and sweat while speaking of it. I have to fight the shame away every time and slowly re-make eye contact with my therapist again after I shed more details.
I attended a Women's conference with my church in January. It was a beautiful weekend with God loving women who love to worship and learn about Jesus. It's my happy place! It fills my spirit until it's overflowing. A N Y W A Y...speaking my truth has been the hardest thing but also the most helpful thing for me to do. I've learned that if you find something really hard to talk about, then that's what you SHOULD talk about it. It's freeing!! So damn hard but eventually freeing. My anxiety is crazy sometimes. Over the last two years, when I'm anxious or stressed, I sweat under my right arm only. What the what?! It's so embarrassing and it happens more now than ever. I'm hoping that being more of my authentic self has caused it. Catch 22, huh. Removing masks is stressful and people will learn more things about you. Stating my abuse in public while at the Woman's conference was a HUGE step for me. On one hand, I'm relieved but on the other hand, NOW THEY NOW and I mentioned things that only the Holy Spirit helped me say that day! That causes me to be anxious and sweat. I'm hoping that form of anxiety will eventually go away when I'm more comfortable with who I am as a person who has spoken her truth. I'm also hoping that once I learn to let go of all the shame, sweating won't happen. Until then, I'm sorry - lol.
I guess this blog is about the journey. It can be pretty rigorous and requires a lot of grace, faith, and grit. Speaking about hard things is hard. This is my journey. I sure hope other survivors can find the strength to start or continue their journey.
Shout out to all survivors. There will be good days and bad days. May you find the strength to save yourself from the bondage of abuse and the trauma that it has caused in your life. Don't set a time table for treatment. You can't. Sweat under your right arm if you have to. Do what you have to do!
Take care of yourself (I'm trying to too),
Stacie